What A Beautiful Wreck

Ha! I thought last year was a tough year. This year has been one blow after another. First the house, which maybe we'll have something to actually celebrate as moving on when it's supposed to close it's short sale next week. Then my Mom dying, then Bob my step-father-in-law dying, then Rick having a heart attack, then alcohol issues. Corey and I still are on a rotating work schedule both of us part-time so we hardly get to see each other and when we do it's taking care of daily life. I want to stop this survival mode! I need forward momentum with our business, our life. I desperately need an upswing. I've never felt so emotionally unstable in my life for such a long period of time. At least with my divorce seven years ago the emotional bottom was brief and I was able to start crawling out of the hole after a few months. This, now ... just feels like it's been going on for ages. I despise that it is taking away from the joy of experiencing my son growing up. I'm looking for an open door.

Where Is The Up?

So we're leaving, the bank will not modify our mortgage. To them our business and my freelance work is considered "unverified" because we have not been doing it for 12 plus months. At least we are taking control of our income rather than sitting on our hands while we don't get jobs we are overqualified for. And yes we've been applying for those jobs. I still apply for those jobs. It makes me second guess my effort in going after them. Maybe I am supposed to stay home and freelance, as hit or miss financially as it is. We move this coming weekend to a rental home in Fallbrook. It wasn't our first choice, the first choice wasn't my first choice but I was warming up to it on conditions. As it turns out it was a mute point. This house to me was good from the start. Yes the bedrooms and bathrooms are small but there are multiples of them. There is an enclosed yard, and there are updated fixtures, plus the carpet looks to be in good condition. New beginnings are hopeful.

Despite the new beginnings I'm feeling bland and on the verge of hopeless. I still see the road ahead of us as a struggle. On today, the day of my birth, I question if I really know what I want. I feel I've put my own wants, even necessities to the side for so long I don't even know what I would ask for if given the chance to ask for something for myself only. I think its because the basics feel like they are lacking in my life so much that I can't even think about anything beyond necessity. Where is the up in this roller coaster? I feel we've been on the down for so long. For me personally it's been a constant down since I lost my job in April 2008. Now that I look back on that time I wish I was in that situation because it was so much better than what I'm facing now because I had severance and unemployment after that. Please give me the strength to hold on until the up.

All In Due Time...

Sometimes I look at the clock and ask "Where did it go!?" time that is. I'm a lot more relaxed about deadlines now that I'm making my own because I know for a fact I'm doing all I can now without spreading myself too thin. I have put Finn, Corey, even Daisy first. Freelance graphics comes second (sometimes third) and then our buisness. What about me you may ask, well I fit myself in now and then knowing if I don't then my productivity for everything else goes down. As of late I have felt really slow though, not sure what's slowing me down and making me so tired. Maybe I do need to pay attention to my needs more closely or look at any fears that are inadvertently slowing my pace. I need yoga again. Now where do I fit it in? I really do need a lot of things but is it need or reward? Something I must ponder on. Balance, balance, balance ... sometimes it is really hard to keep.

Women's Art Movement and more...

Just a shout out to Mel, she posted a portion of the interview she had with me on her blog. She's in the process of writing the Votre Vray Creative Women Project and I'm one of the women she has written about. You can read it here: http://www.votrevray.blogspot.com/

I'm just taking a moment to write my thoughts this morning. It's Saturday but it feels like any other day to me since I work for myself now. Corey is away having some much needed guy R&R with a guy friend - Mazda Raceway Laguna Seca motorcycle races. Although I myself don't find it entertaining I can understand his need for it as he can understand my need for "artist" retreats. So I'm home taking care of the 'kids', we consider our dog a child too since she is so needy with all her health issues. Anyway I feel a little more caught up than I have felt lately. Freelance jobs are completed (for now), the plants are watered, and the kitchen is clean. Yes there is so much more to clean, there is always something to clean but at least the perpetual dirty kitchen seems controlled for the moment.

In this pause for reflection, this sigh of relief for having seen progress in the daily duties I find myself recognizing my own needs. Yes they have been there in the back of my mind saying, "Feed me." but I ignore them. I'm paying attention because I've been feeling run down lately. My spirit is sick and making my body pay. I'm recognizing I need to be gentle with my body and mind. I need some replenishment with women friends, some relating. I know if I reach out I will find someone willing I just need to take the first step. Sometimes I wish a friend would just call up and say, "Hey lets have lunch today or tomorrow." But then I know it's not up to my friends to read my mind. I get into the misconception that if they never call you to go do something they must not value your friendship that much. WRONG! Get out of your head and your pity party. They, just as much as you, often just get caught up with daily life plus they do have other friends you know. Ha funny I just realized I often start to feel lonely when I have time to think alone. I like alone time but not too much obviously :) Till we blog again!

Collecting...

I'm collecting my thoughts, my dreams, my goals, my vision. I came to my office computer to work but find my mind going inward. When you spend all day taking care of things, little ones, and pets you forget to take care of yourself and I mean more than taking a shower or eating I mean taking care of your spirit. I just realized I don't share this part of myself much anymore with anyone, not even myself and it's made me a little sad. When I was younger I gave of myself completely to others, did for them and shared me with them. Now I realize I'm only giving half because I'm not listening to who I am which means I'm not giving my whole self. I need to share me with me and me with others more. That being said I will make it a point to explore myself here in the written word, the conscience stream of thought at the very least twice a week.

Goals, yes I have many, even the here and now ones seem to outnumber my hours in a day. Priority one will always be my family and caring for their needs, priority two is caring for them financially. This is where I struggle, priority three. Is it my art which if tended to will make money thus helping with priority two or is it the business Corey and I want to open together which is going to help with priority one and two. Then the last on the priority is myself, all too often I hear this is a side effect of being a Mom. Lately I have been putting the business before my art but I feel I need to have some balance. God! Where is balance when I really know I've taken on too much, a problem I've always had. So what's my next move? I can't abandon anything or at least I'm not willing to at this point. As time-sucking as it seems I really need to make myself a priorities time line and then add everyday crap like cleaning out the garage, cleaning the house, finishing the stairs to it and see where I'm at. Then break down the bigger goals into something I can do by the week. Breaking it down by the day is way too anal for me, yes I am a Virgo rising but it has not taken over every part of me because I'm still very much the Aquarian with my "can't fence me in" attitude.

Ahhhh well, my tropical rum drink and a few paragraphs of reflection have done me good. It feels good to take care of myself. Now I can do for someone else and get this illustration started, maybe even completed. Love and blessings.

30 Something Enjoy's This...

It's Friday night and I'm at home ... HAPPILY! Yes, Finn is asleep (finally) and Hupthsy (Nickname for Husband) and I have just enjoyed a dinner of grilled half chickens with peas and basmati rice plus a side of grilled corn on the cob AND of course two tall (each) freshly made margaritas, hey it was 95 degrees today! Hence the reason for my run on sentences and babbling. But Hupthsy made it all and it was so delectable, I swear the chicken had bacon wrapped around it while it was cooking to perfection in the smoky grill outside. What more could I want for a Friday night? Dancing in a sparkly top and tight jeans while strangers buy me drinks and sweat while looking at me like jackals? NO! The night was OR is perfect wouldn't change it or trade it for anything. Am I old? Who cares! I don't if it means I had a great Friday night. What next? Cuddling on the couch and flipping through channels or watching a Netflix. But who knows it's only 8:30 and we probably won't go to bed until 10:30 or 11:00 pm ... LOL! Then it's up at 6:30 to 7:00 am when Finn gets up! I LOVE BEING A MOM!

Lull

I'm in a lull. Maybe a bit sad too. I just got back Monday (late night) from visiting my parents in the northwest. It was a great visit and I swear Finn grew a lot mentally and physically while we were gone. My husband cut Finn's hair this morning before leaving for work and I was surprised at how sad it made me. For one it was a lot shorter than I thought it was going to be and it made my baby look so different than what I was used to.

I'm feeling unmotivated and stifled on the whole job front. I came home to no job offer emails and one "Congrats! You're design submission is one of the top seven picked out of hundreds," (for a crappy little postcard design job.) "Now we will post your designs for our clients to pick a winner," great just what I need. I'm a seasoned professional with over eight years experience and I have to wait eagerly for "possibly, potentially, maybe more work offered after winning." So I put in my precious time to design a piece of marketing material that could bring in hundreds of new clients and potentially thousands of dollars in revenue to MAYBE "win" $130 and the possibility of more work. If you couldn't tell I'm a bit disgusted. But you know what if I "win" and they do choose to offer me more work I'll take it because I feel I have to right now because nothing else is coming in.

I'm going to a seminar this weekend that will hopefully help jump start me in getting my eco-art marketed and into galleries and boutiques. I've got some photos up now on my website showing my green art but I want to get better ones. First things first I also need to redesign my website ... Now Finn is fussing, up from his nap and look at me I still need a shower :(