Where Is The Up?

So we're leaving, the bank will not modify our mortgage. To them our business and my freelance work is considered "unverified" because we have not been doing it for 12 plus months. At least we are taking control of our income rather than sitting on our hands while we don't get jobs we are overqualified for. And yes we've been applying for those jobs. I still apply for those jobs. It makes me second guess my effort in going after them. Maybe I am supposed to stay home and freelance, as hit or miss financially as it is. We move this coming weekend to a rental home in Fallbrook. It wasn't our first choice, the first choice wasn't my first choice but I was warming up to it on conditions. As it turns out it was a mute point. This house to me was good from the start. Yes the bedrooms and bathrooms are small but there are multiples of them. There is an enclosed yard, and there are updated fixtures, plus the carpet looks to be in good condition. New beginnings are hopeful.

Despite the new beginnings I'm feeling bland and on the verge of hopeless. I still see the road ahead of us as a struggle. On today, the day of my birth, I question if I really know what I want. I feel I've put my own wants, even necessities to the side for so long I don't even know what I would ask for if given the chance to ask for something for myself only. I think its because the basics feel like they are lacking in my life so much that I can't even think about anything beyond necessity. Where is the up in this roller coaster? I feel we've been on the down for so long. For me personally it's been a constant down since I lost my job in April 2008. Now that I look back on that time I wish I was in that situation because it was so much better than what I'm facing now because I had severance and unemployment after that. Please give me the strength to hold on until the up.